Did I make it that easy?

I'm the last one. Who would've thought? Circled around a bowl of popcorn, snuggled up in our sleeping bags, our ten year old selves predicted this very thing. It was unanimously decided that I would be the first. And while I certainly should have been, after all I was the first to do all that other stuff, I wasn't. I almost can't believe it while at the same time it feels like a given. When they all first told me, I was shocked and a little jealous. I got anxious and felt left out. And I thought back to that moment when I was about to be the first, and I wanted to redo it all and give it up.

They kept saying things like it's not a big deal, it was bound to happen, you think it's bad until it happens and whatever. But it is a big deal. How could it not be? And it's not something to just hastily do. I'm not judging them or anything because I've been in the same situation and I know, and I also realize they're just saying all that because it helps but that doesn't mean I should feed into it. I don't need to do it just to feel "in" and so we can all take this next step together. And the more I think about it, I think I want to because I'm scared. I'm scared of ending up like that. I don't want to just be able to say I have or because I feel like it's the next step or because it's expected. I want to because I want to, and because I'm crazy about him. So I guess it's fine that I'm the last. I feel left out and little but it's still amazing because I still get to choose. I get to. And I can learn from all of their experiences or I can just do the same. In any case, I know that no matter what I choose, they'll be there when it does happen (or soon after).