Easy

I'm scared. Whether or not I should be, I don't know. You were easy. Well no, not exactly. It certainly never felt easy. You were just you. I was used to it. I've only ever been attached to you. Attached to your smell, your eyes, your legs, your mouth, teeth and your voice, every little thing you said was, and still is, stored somewhere in the back of my mind. It always will be. And no matter what I do, it won't go away. I could erase all my saved messages from you, take that picture off my wall, delete your number, avoid all those places. I could be done completely, but it's never going to go away. Whenever I see you, there will always be that feeling. I honestly think that in fifty years, if I see you, whatever you look like, I'll still love you. And I'm scared. I'm scared to let someone else have that. I don't want it to go downhill. I won't get attached, but I need to. I need to let go of you but in order to do that, I need to feel safe in the next thing. I need to know that they won't all end like this, before I'm ready. That they won't all end. But could I ever be safe with anyone else? Was I safe with you? I just don't know. How can we ever know? Does it matter? All I know is that I'm scared. And a big part of me still really loves you. Does that make me a horrible person?