Is it obvious?

I'm disappointed, let down. Most of all, I'm sorry. Was this part of the plan? I don't understand, yet I finally do. It's been so long, too long. Where was I? For once, not asleep. I look back, and it's not hazy. It's real. But it's not me. Fun? Yes. So then, what's the problem? Is there a problem?
It happened. There's no getting around it. I can't deny it. And yet, I don't feel the need to. Maybe I'm just too far gone. Maybe I can't get it back. Maybe I'll never get back to that point where I'll care. But is caring necessary? Or was that all just like the winter, long and harsh and contained?
Can't you just take me to back to that place where you were, where I still am?
I don't even know this. Any of it. It's not even vaguely familiar. I miss the words and the voices and the thoughts. I miss laying in bed with nothing to do and being satisfied. I miss staring off into space and being lost inside. I miss the stories inside my head that, once started, never stop.
Yet I could never give this up. It's more than just you. It's all of them, it's us. It's actually laughing. It's not coming home and being locked up. It's not containment. It's freedom. But is it too much?
Can't I just find where it all collides?

the truth is...

It all happened so fast. So incredibly fast. It was like I was watching it all happen, helpless to do anything, to stop anything. And I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have said anything. And then what? Then where would we be?
Still here?

I don't get it. What'd I do?

Maybe you're scared, afraid, something. But I'm not trying to lock you up and throw away the key.
I promise.
I saw what happened to them, and I won't let that happen.
I promise.

And if it truly is too early to tell, then how come it's not too early for that?
That's a huge deal. At least it is to me.
Maybe that to you is like this to me.
Maybe we really aren't on the same page, despite what you always say.

I just think that when you know, you know. And I know.
Do you?
You say you do.
So then why is this so hard?

I am ready, I am fine

I thought about you last night.
Lying there in the dark, almost asleep.
Almost asleep in that bed. Their bed. The one I imagine you've laid in, lifetimes ago.
That song came on, and it dawned on me that I could've seen you yesterday.
I'd been looking forward to it, imagined what it'd be like.
How I'd do my hair, what I would wear, how I'd act.
But I never went.
I did everything to avoid it.
I didn't do it purposely. Or at least not consciously.
It just wasn't on my mind at all.
I had all that alone time to think yet none of my thoughts were you.
And now it'll be another year before I see you. Or at least a few months.
And maybe that's for the best.
This thing, whatever it is, is wrong. Really wrong.
And hopefully by next year, I won't even remember, or at least remember to forget.
Or maybe I'll just look back on it and it'll be fuzzy.
Just one of those stupid things you did when you were young. (Literally)
But if I had seen you, then who knows.
Who knows if I still would just be able to think about you, instead of feeling you.
Who knows.
I guess you really do just have to trust that whatever happens is what was always meant to be.

1.Soulmate :)

I can't do it again. Won't.
Don't pull away again. Don't disappear.
Tell me it won't change things.
Tell me we can still stay this close.
Tell me, promise.
Because when I'm with you, everything seems like NBD [;)]
Because you're me, I'm you. We're one.
Everything I think, you think.
Everything I'm about to say, you say.
It just works. We're just meant to be.
And I can't go back to that half-assed shit.
I can't be the only one trying. And trust me, we both know that's where this is headed.
So don't do it. Just don't.
Don't fall into that exclusive little world where you lose your deep side and I lose my best friend.
Just don't.
Because I really don't think I can.
Those were the worst seven months of my life.
Maybe my world didn't fall apart, maybe horrible, unbearable things didn't happen.
But I did lose you. And how do you expect me to deal with things when that happens?
How can I feel OK when half my body is missing?
So please, just don't.
Let's just keep this this way.
I love you too much to let it just go away.

In the waiting line

We're always waiting. For everything, we wait. How many times a day do you wait for something? I wait for my alarm to sound a second time and for my parents to "really be serious this time" about me waking up, and I wait for my ride and for each class to be over and for him to text me after practice and who knows what else. And then there's the other kind of waiting. The long term waiting. We wait for our diets to start working and for us to lose weight, and we wait for the guy of our dreams to come along or for him to come to his senses and want us back. And usually the line for these things is endless. But even on the off chance that we do actually get those things, we wait for the bottom to fall out. So why? It's like we're waiting to be happy. But why? I've heard endless times "Good things come to those who wait." And that seems so stupid. What if I don't want to wait? What if I just want to be happy now? Does that work? Can we ever just get out of line?

Beep

I hate it. Everything about it sucks. Yeah it hurts, but is it worth this? It makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to cry. I can't decide which I'll do first. I just want to go home. I hate it so much. I hate the plastic lavendar curtain. It's stupid, why is it lavendar? I suppose light purple is supposed to be soothing, and maybe under different circmstances, it would be. But it's not. Take it down. And it's so bright, the flourescent lights are annoying. Turn them off. I hate this. I hate how clean everything is. I didn't even know clean had a smell till I came here. Which reminds me, why did I come here again? It's not worth this. At all. And more than anything, I hate the IV. The thin skin on the top of my hand hates it more. It makes me cold. My whole arm is freezing. I put the blanket over it but it's just as cold. It's supposed to make me feel better but it only makes everything worse. I start to cry then feel stupid. The guy next to me just had a heart attack and I'm crying over an IV. Really? I'm worthless. I've layed here and watched the clock go from ten thirty, to midnight, to one thirty to two thirty. I want to go home, go to sleep. She made me take out my belly button ring. I can't find it, doubt I'd be able to get my fingers to twist it back in anyway. Oh well. Belly button rings are stupid when your stomach looks like mine. I start to fall asleep waiting for her to come back. All their voices, snoring, laughter, cries, they all sound like my friends. I feel like I'm with them, I just was. So how did I end up here? I can hear them talking about me. About how I can't pee. About how I need more fluid. Except it's not really me. They keep calling me 4. I've never really liked that number. I fall back asleep. Soon enough I'll get to go home, right?

too good?

Too good to be true. Does that really exist? Or is it just an expression created to ruin happiness? I'm always waiting for the bad things to come. When things suck, I feel okay, it feels normal, I'm not always waiting for the bottom to fall out. I don't know how to just be happy. It's so weird to think that people can actually be in love and have everything work out, it's weird to think people are actually happy. I just don't know if I can believe in that. It doesn't seem real. It seems too good to be true. But it's not, is it? I mean, there are people in lasting, loving relationships right? Or is it all just a front? I just have to look at my parents to know that that isn't true but I just consider them one of those rare, lucky couples. Because most of my friends parents are either divorced or not happy and none of my friends have been able to keep together a relationship, and I can't help but wonder why. Why can't people just stay together? Are they too passionate? Too sensible? Always looking for more? Which? All? Any? I'm willing to bet it's a balance between all of that, but where is that midpoint? And how do you get there? It's not like you can just ask someone how they do it? It's undefinable. Maybe we don't have a soul mate. Maybe we just settle for what we have and somehow make it work.