Easy

I'm scared. Whether or not I should be, I don't know. You were easy. Well no, not exactly. It certainly never felt easy. You were just you. I was used to it. I've only ever been attached to you. Attached to your smell, your eyes, your legs, your mouth, teeth and your voice, every little thing you said was, and still is, stored somewhere in the back of my mind. It always will be. And no matter what I do, it won't go away. I could erase all my saved messages from you, take that picture off my wall, delete your number, avoid all those places. I could be done completely, but it's never going to go away. Whenever I see you, there will always be that feeling. I honestly think that in fifty years, if I see you, whatever you look like, I'll still love you. And I'm scared. I'm scared to let someone else have that. I don't want it to go downhill. I won't get attached, but I need to. I need to let go of you but in order to do that, I need to feel safe in the next thing. I need to know that they won't all end like this, before I'm ready. That they won't all end. But could I ever be safe with anyone else? Was I safe with you? I just don't know. How can we ever know? Does it matter? All I know is that I'm scared. And a big part of me still really loves you. Does that make me a horrible person?

shutupshutupshutup

Falling in and out, can't quite let it go. Can't quite drown out the flashing lights and the unsteady sounds from the movie or the hand on your leg and the whisper in your ear. It all feels wrong. Did you ever really want this? Sometimes I forget. Sometimes when you aren't close, I forget why it's you. I think I can be with whoever, do whatever and the thing is, I can't. It all feels wrong. But I remember now and every single part of me feels it. My head pounds, my ears itch. My stomach churns, I want to throw up. Too close, I need space. I want to scream, tell him to get away, but I can't. I can't move. This is a place I've always felt safe in, it's almost like home. But I don't feel safe. I just want to get away. But if I move, I won't be a part of this thing we've just found and if I stay, it will ruin everything else. I want to go home. Why did we decide to stay? Stupid, stupid, stupid. That seems to be the theme for this night. I just want to fast forward through all of this. I want to fall asleep and forget it all. Feigning sleep feels like the only option. It works, sort of. He backs off, I can't see the screen anymore but I can still hear everything. The breathing, heavy and light, and the voices, whispers and yelling, and the phones, fast keys and loud tones. Shut it off. I wish you could close your ears like your eyes. And then she says something, repeatedly. And it works. He leaves and its just me and her. And I finally feel OK.

Did I make it that easy?

I'm the last one. Who would've thought? Circled around a bowl of popcorn, snuggled up in our sleeping bags, our ten year old selves predicted this very thing. It was unanimously decided that I would be the first. And while I certainly should have been, after all I was the first to do all that other stuff, I wasn't. I almost can't believe it while at the same time it feels like a given. When they all first told me, I was shocked and a little jealous. I got anxious and felt left out. And I thought back to that moment when I was about to be the first, and I wanted to redo it all and give it up.

They kept saying things like it's not a big deal, it was bound to happen, you think it's bad until it happens and whatever. But it is a big deal. How could it not be? And it's not something to just hastily do. I'm not judging them or anything because I've been in the same situation and I know, and I also realize they're just saying all that because it helps but that doesn't mean I should feed into it. I don't need to do it just to feel "in" and so we can all take this next step together. And the more I think about it, I think I want to because I'm scared. I'm scared of ending up like that. I don't want to just be able to say I have or because I feel like it's the next step or because it's expected. I want to because I want to, and because I'm crazy about him. So I guess it's fine that I'm the last. I feel left out and little but it's still amazing because I still get to choose. I get to. And I can learn from all of their experiences or I can just do the same. In any case, I know that no matter what I choose, they'll be there when it does happen (or soon after).

There's bits of it on the floor

Let's just go back. Take it all back. All those words and all this time. Please? Let's just go back to that moment when we were right there. So close, basically there, but not quite. Why stop? Why hesitate? Does it even matter? Would it have even made a difference? Or would we still be here? Everything happens for a reason. Does it? I don't know anymore. All these things I used to trust don't make sense. How did we get here? Were we ever there? Were we ever anywhere? I don't even know you. So how come you're so familiar? I always thought it would be you, I always wanted it to be. Why can't it be? Tell me it still can. Tell me anything. I need that. Need you. Because I can't. I can't look back at this and not remember you. I can't. And I can't not be with you again. I can't. I can't wake up in thirty years and realize I never got to kiss you or hold your hand or feel you again. I can't. Do I really have to? Why? Why can't I even talk to you? Why can't I just call you? I want to hear your voice. I don't want him or any of them. He loves me, he actually gives a shit. But I can't. I can't kiss him and not think you. I can't say yes without somehow saying no to you. I've held on this long. Why should I let go now? Really. How could this be over? How could it not have led anywhere? What happened to all those "someday"s?

as we wake up your room

Laying in my bed last night, sitting in the car and then watching that movie, we were all depressed. We listened to sad songs and talked in quiet voices and sighed heavily and even cried at times. And i thought back to last year at this time. She was dating that one guy, he was dating that one girl and I wasn't dating anyone and we all felt like we had no lives. We always said it'd be better once we got our licenses and cars and everything. And now we do, and this is what we're like. And I realized how stupid it all is. Although we're all depressed for legitimate reasons, at least we have things going on now. We're finally somewhat independent. Now we can get in car accidents and stay at hotels without our parents and we can become smokers and fall in love and get fucked over and it all sucks yet it's great. We're living. We're actually living. I finally feel like something is happening to me and not just to everyone else. I finally feel something. It may not be exactly what I want to be feeling but it's something. And I could scream it's so great. Crying and laughing and driving and running and dancing and saying the dumbest thing you possibly could. It's all great. Things may not have turned out exactly like I'd wanted but when does anyone ever get it all? At least I have something.

all the above

There are all these songs that remind me of you. Of this whole thing. I never want to hear them again but I can't stop listening to them. They play in my head even when they aren't on. I just keep thinking back to it. How could I be so stupid? Has it really taken me this long to figure it all out? I always prided myself on the fact that I wasn't one of those dumb girls and now I realize that you've made me exactly that. I just want to pretend that it all never happened. I want to go back and do it all over and leave you out completely. I wish I'd never met you, never heard your voice. You seemed perfect and unattainable and all I wanted was to be with you and I'd have done anything to get there. And really? How stupid is that? What's so great about you? All my friends can see right through you and now so can I. It may have taken me a whole year but I can. And I realize now that I can do better. I don't need you. I don't need someone to tell me all these amazing things because it's all bullshit. I thought you were so mature and different from everyone else, but really you're generic and I realize now that you're never going to grow up and be someone I should be with. And as much as I would like to go back and undo all that and save myself this embarrassment, I'm glad it happened. I really am. I'm glad because I'll never fall for it again. And I don't care if all of this is cheese and corn because sometimes it's just necessary.

Pop.

Everything is moving slow. Like the opposite of fast forward if this was a movie. It's not though, is it? I'm tired, so extremely tired and she's yelling, pleading, threatening with me, at me to get up. I can't tune her out, she's too loud. I want to fall back asleep, but her voice is insistent. I look at the clock. 7:09. I've had two hours of sleep. I'm not as tired as I should be but how is it already seven? The last thing I remember was asking if it bothered him. And now I'm in my own bed and she's yelling at me. I get up and the whole room spins. I feel low, beyond tired, beyond everything. The bright lights of the bathroom make me nauseous, the shower feels like needles. I want to sleep, I want to throw up. Why is it already seven? I'm getting in the car, 7:45, it's freezing. My eyes water, I forgot my medication. Awesome. Could this morning be any better? We pull up and walk in, it's still freezing and I still want to throw up. Everyones in their nice church clothes and they're all shaking hands and being nice and fake and it's extremely funny but I don't know why. We sit in the back, I immediately slump over and fall almost asleep. Everyone's looking at me funny, I don't know why. Weird, creepy, middle-aged church guy comes over. He stands over me, I'm overcome by his gross sour smell. He inquires about my well-being, his hand dangerously close to my knee. I mumble something, trying to keep down the vomit threatening to cover his shoes. I figure he'll leave now that I've answered, but he doesn't. He's just standing there over me and I feel like I'm standing in the shadow of a huge 6 million foot tall old smelly cheese factory. Yuck. I scoot away from him before his hand creeps up my leg. Ew. He walks away. I just want to go home and sleep for five years. It's 8:10 and then 8:30. The sermon starts..."we get lost in the wilderness over the course of the year.." I'm so so so tired. "lent wakes us up..." I wish it would wake me up. "it takes a lot of energy and time and faith to get unlost sometimes." Sounds like a good sermon for once, I wish I could focus better. Shes standing up there singing, her head tipped up, looking down on me, like always. When I don't go up for Communion, she flashes me a quick harsh, threatening look before putting on her "church face" and smiling sympathetically at me. I'm the only one still in the pews, everyone else is getting Communion. They all give me that same sympathetic, somehow disapproving look. Yeah poor me, I haven't found God, I don't know blahblahblah whatever. I just want to go to sleep. And then it's finally over and we leave. It's 9:10 and still freezing. I just want to sleep. We walk in the door, I go in my room and collapse into heaven.