you're captivating while evading

I've thought about it all day. Sometimes just for a few moments and other times for a good ten minutes straight. It won't go away, it just sits there in the back of mind, taking over whenever it feels necessary. Sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes it feels wrong. Sometimes I feel giddy and can't wipe the smile off my face. Other times I feel guilty and push it out of my mind for a while, but it always comes right back. I haven't accomplished anything all day, even focusing on my book was hard. I'd read and then a word or phrase would make me think about it and I'd go off thinking about it and have to start over. And the worst part is, is that I think that everyone knows. I feel like they look at me and they can just tell, like they can read my mind or something. I feel as if I'm as transparent as the water bottle on my desk, my expression as readable as a John Grisham novel. It has morphed me into someone I don't know and created a distance between me and everyone else. And yet, its nothing. Its everything and its nothing. Its embarrassing and its completely normal. Its one little thing yet its ten million huge things. It changes every time I think about it and I don't know what to make of it. I'm not even sure it happened nor have I decided what exactly it is that happened. But....it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that I've never felt this intensely in my life and its amazing and its horrible. In any case, I'm sick of trying to define it and make it into some perfect little paragraph because its not working.