two twenties and a ten

I've felt off all day. Actually, I haven't really felt all day. I don't want to actually do anything, I just want to watch everything happen. I vaguely remember the events of the day and especially of last night, it feels like they happened to someone else, and not to me at all. Pretty soon I have to go meet my friends at this thing, and its the last thing in the world I want to do. Well thats not entirely true, but it's definitely not my first choice. I would much rather just sit outside and stare at things and people, it's amazing how real everything looks. I love doing that when I'm in weird moods like this. I don't have to talk to anyone or act a certain way, or pretend to listen and be interested in the things they're saying. I can just be. Around them or anyone, I'm a different person than how i am when I'm alone, even my way of thinking changes. Maybe everyone does that, or maybe it's just me. Maybe that's why I'm extremely shy at times or maybe it's just simply because I'm insecure or whatever people say is the reasoning behind shyness. In any case, I wonder which person is the "real" me, the one I am when I'm alone or the one I am with everyone else. I suspect that its the first, that would be the most logical answer because when I'm alone, I'm not influenced by anyone else. Also, when I'm with other people, I'm censored in a way. I have to be on guard. I can't say whatever I want. But when I'm alone, no ones there to judge what I say because I don't actually say anything, I just think it. In my head I can be whoever I want, think whatever I want, feel whatever I want. And when they're just thoughts, even if they're "wrong" or "mean" or "bad" or "weird", does it really matter?