just let me sing you to sleep

I'm so tired. Completely and utterly exhausted, spent. Not in the physical sense, but the emotional and logical. I'm tired of thinking, and I'm tired of feeling. It gets me no where and everywhere at the same time. But the places it takes me aren't anywhere near where I want to go. Its as if I've thought and felt and confused myself all the way to the other side of the world and not even realized it. And when I do finally realize it, I want nothing more than to go home. But the journey home isn't as easy as I'd hoped, I can't figure out which way I came or where I live and its all my own fault. I wrote the map inside my head but I can't remember it with all these words and feelings floating around. Every one of my thoughts and feelings create a bigger road block and I can't get home. I can't get back to where I feel comfortable, where I feel okay. I can't get back to the only place I want to be. And I wish I could just stop thinking and feeling because thats the reason for this unbearable mess. If my feelings and my thoughts just ceased to exist then I could go home, I could be okay again. I could feel normal again, maybe even feel good. But I can't. Its not that simple. I can't just stop thinking and feeling. And I most certainly can't fall out of love. So what can I do?

If the moon fell down

Guilt is a weird thing. What is it exactly? It seems kind of like sympathy but then, what is sympathy? A feeling? And what constitutes a feeling? It's all very confusing. Feelings in general confuse the shit out of me. Who named them? Who first felt them and what right did they have to classify them? I don't think they should have names. I know we need words to describe things to other people, but can't we just stay private about some things? And feelings like guilt and sympathy and love deserve so much more than a vague few syllable word. Plus, how do we know that the word we're using to describe a feeling is the same word someone else is using for a completely different feeling? What if what I feel and interpret as guilt is what someone else feels for and interprets as apathy? When you think about it, that can apply to everything, especially colors. How do we even know anything for certain and how can we trust everything for real?

sensible

In a few months, I won't know you.
Your soul living and experiencing without mine.
In a few months, I won't hear you.
Your voice won't sing to me.
In a few months, I won't touch you.
Your fingertips won't make me flutter.
In a few months, I won't see you.
Your eyes won't lock with mine.
In a few months, I won't taste you.
Your tongue won't send sparks along mine.
In a few months, I won't feel you.
Your body won't entangle with mine.
In a few months, I won't know you.
Your body, or your mind.
In a few months, it will all be memories.
And maybe thats all it ever was.

The Chase

We are endlessly chasing. Chasing something better. In our heads, we have this image of this "perfect" person that we think we, ourselves, need to become. And so we chase. We chase the things we think we need to become this "better" person. We chase material things, such as better clothes and "toys" and we chase things we can't touch, like better grades or reputations. We even chase people. And so the question arises, why do we chase?
The answer hangs in the balance. The balance between want and greed. Its so much more complex than wanting and so much simpler than greed. Its something like avidity. A big part of it, is becoming what we think we need to be so that the people that "matter" will be pleased, and the people that don't, will be pissed. But why do we need to be better? Really. When you think about, it shouldn't matter. What happens when you become better? You get invited to more things and have more friends and more opportunities to go places and be accepted? That seems like a lot of work for a lot of nothing.
But what happens when its not material things we're chasing? What happens when its people? We now not only want things, we want people. Better friends, better significant others. So we can rise higher in the social order of things. But what happens to the people we have now? Do our friends get tossed aside, thrown back, or do they rise with you? And what about our significant others? Are they chasing too?
The real question is, what happens when we get everything we were chasing? Do we sit back and smile and revel in our happiness? Not usually. We usually find our that everything we were chasing, wasn't worth chasing. And even if it is, we can't just be satisfied anymore. We've trained ourselves to think that we can get anything we want and go after more. So we won't just sit back and be happy when we get it all, we'll keep chasing. And maybe thats good, maybe its bad. Either way, its what it is. And what can we do about it?

"I've spent so much time chasing what I should be, that I forgot what I am."

then comes the sun

Today I was faced with a big decision, and I was at a loss for what to do. Seeking guidance my friends couldn't offer, I decided to read the bible. I rarely do this, except for Psalms and I was genuinely surprised at what I read. And guess what I found out? I don't believe in God. Nowadays God is made out to be this all-forgiving, father figure of sorts. But from what I read in the bible, he didn't sound like this. In the fifteen or twenty pages I read, he gruesomely killed people who messed up once and unleashed a swarm of horny angry men on a prostitute. Does that sound like the God we've all been hearing about? It certainly doesn't to me. It sounds like some very "tough love". I mean, they messed up once (excluding the whore) and they were killed. How many times have I messed up? Will I be eternally damned for a few sins? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe in God, but not in the Bible's God. But is there really a God outside of the Bible? Maybe he was made up to give struggling people hope and to give sinners a reason not to sin again. But if this is true, wouldn't everyone be damned to hell? Which raises the question, how much room is there in hell? and how saint-like do you have to be to get a spot in heaven?

as you breathe out and i breathe in

Questions. It feels like everyone has all these questions. Questions I can't answer, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I wish I knew what to do and I wish I knew how to do it. Whatever happened to "let go, let God."? It's so much more complicated than that. It really isn't about what I want, its about what everyone else does. And when finally I pour it all out, tell him the reasoning behind my hesitation, its not what he wants to hear. So why even ask the question? Why do we ask questions when we know that the answer isn't going to satisfy us? Is it because we need some kind of closure? Is it because we know, we just don't want to? And when its all out there in the open, where do we go from there? When either way will make me happy, which way should I go? And when the final answer is I don't know, is that an automatic no?

so there goes my life...

I feel like you're dead. I feel like you're something I could never actually touch, only dream about touching. Its as if you died and I wrote your eulogy and I told everyone how amazing you were, and still are, if only in my dreams. And I could not utter one single bad word about you because it would be disrespecting your memory. Not only that, I would be looked down on for my bad taste. And afterwards I would be looking at you, dead in your casket, solemn and pitiful and unmoving, words of your greatness, my words, would be running through my head. And I know they aren't true, can't be true, no one is that perfect, certainly not you anyway. But I believe them anyway because they were said, because someone somewhere believed them and because on some level, it made things easier. Its easier to tell people you were obsessed with this god-like person and not just a regular person walking by you on the street, but a person with depth. And after a while, the words really sink in, the lie becomes truth because who's to prove it otherwise. And I'm still standing there looking at you, looking at the body you used to inhabit, the greatness floating around your casket and making me feel breathless. And I'm suddenly overcome with the need to touch you, the need to touch your greatness and your depth, but as I reach out to do it, as my fingers tingle with anticipation, a glass window slides over you, blocking my touch, destroying my courage. And suddenly you're awake, alive, moving and looking at me as though you've never seen me before. And it's all gone, its all over and I can't remember how it started.

gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

These are lyrics from gravity by sara bareilles and they fit everything I'm feeling right now better than anything I could say. Seriously, they're perfect. Sometimes I really think that music is God's way of helping us cope with all the emotions and feelings we struggle with. Whenever I'm in a bad mood or a bad situation, I always seem to find the perfect song with the perfect lyrics to explain how I feel and these are seriously perfect beyond belief.