Its the way that you blush when you're nervous

I wonder how it feels when everything falls into place. When you find everything that you've been looking for, yet never knew existed. When you find out that love is more than just the initial butterflies and that whole can't-stop-thinking-about-you kind of thing and more than just good sex and someone to fill that void. I would think that if you've found all that, you would feel very complete. I imagine that you would feel satisfied and everything you used to fret about would suddenly be seemingly unimportant. Most people meet someone who is everything they think that they want. Maybe they want someone with a good job and a steady income, or someone who is gonna make something of themselves or someone who is good looking, and when they find someone who meets these expectations, they date them. Likely they find this person somewhat interesting and attractive. And then, when they start having sex, they think wow ya know this person is great, they're really attractive, great in bed, blah blah blah...suddenly they think they're "in love". So they get married because thats what people in love do, right? Then after a few years and after they've had sex with this person a few thousand times, they realize they have nothing in common, nothing to talk about and, with the initial attraction and lust gone, they get bored. I think that is pretty much why over half of people get divorced or whatever that statistic is, I'm not positive. The point is, its sad that more than half of my friends parents are divorced. It scares me to the point where I don't even want to get married; what if I choose the wrong person? I don't want to be divorced. I've heard that you usually turn out like your parents and I really hope thats true. My parents are still insanely in love with each other, even after 25+ years of marriage. I wonder how that happens, I wonder how they knew? Of course I've asked them this but their responses were nondescript. My dad said he knew from the beginning that this was the woman he wanted to marry. When I asked him why, he said it was "because she was, and still is, the greatest person I know. She's put up with all of my shit for all these years and I don't think anyone else could. " When I asked her the same question, she said she wasn't sure, "he was young and goofy, kinda wild and arrogant. However, I knew he was pretty intelligent, just kind of lazy. He asked me to marry him numerous times before I said yes." Theres nothing fairytale about their responses or the story of how they met, but maybe you can't have a fairytale, maybe you're stuck with what you have and you have to make it work. Whatever the case, it always amazes me to see them still so in love, kissing and hugging and laughing and arguing and just being dumb together. When I get older, I want what they have more than I want anything else. I want, after fifty million years, to look at him, whoever he may be, the way that they look at each other. I wonder what that would feel like?

you're captivating while evading

I've thought about it all day. Sometimes just for a few moments and other times for a good ten minutes straight. It won't go away, it just sits there in the back of mind, taking over whenever it feels necessary. Sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes it feels wrong. Sometimes I feel giddy and can't wipe the smile off my face. Other times I feel guilty and push it out of my mind for a while, but it always comes right back. I haven't accomplished anything all day, even focusing on my book was hard. I'd read and then a word or phrase would make me think about it and I'd go off thinking about it and have to start over. And the worst part is, is that I think that everyone knows. I feel like they look at me and they can just tell, like they can read my mind or something. I feel as if I'm as transparent as the water bottle on my desk, my expression as readable as a John Grisham novel. It has morphed me into someone I don't know and created a distance between me and everyone else. And yet, its nothing. Its everything and its nothing. Its embarrassing and its completely normal. Its one little thing yet its ten million huge things. It changes every time I think about it and I don't know what to make of it. I'm not even sure it happened nor have I decided what exactly it is that happened. But....it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that I've never felt this intensely in my life and its amazing and its horrible. In any case, I'm sick of trying to define it and make it into some perfect little paragraph because its not working.

but is this real?

I remember everything about it, every feeling. Every single little detail, from the kind of gum in mouth to the giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach to the smell of the night air. But did it really happen? I remember what I did and I remember what I said, but was it really me doing it? Sometimes it feels like certain things I've experienced were just a vivid dream. It's like watching a movie or reading a book and feeling vaguely connected to the main character and knowing what they're thinking and doing but never truly knowing how they're feeling. Sure you can write a feeling down or try to portray it in a movie, but you never know how it actually is until it happens to you and sometimes not even then. What if it didn't happen? What if it really was a dream or some figment of my imagination? What if all of my personal memories aren't really memories at all? What if they're all just a jumbled mess of things I've read in books and watched on movies?

two twenties and a ten

I've felt off all day. Actually, I haven't really felt all day. I don't want to actually do anything, I just want to watch everything happen. I vaguely remember the events of the day and especially of last night, it feels like they happened to someone else, and not to me at all. Pretty soon I have to go meet my friends at this thing, and its the last thing in the world I want to do. Well thats not entirely true, but it's definitely not my first choice. I would much rather just sit outside and stare at things and people, it's amazing how real everything looks. I love doing that when I'm in weird moods like this. I don't have to talk to anyone or act a certain way, or pretend to listen and be interested in the things they're saying. I can just be. Around them or anyone, I'm a different person than how i am when I'm alone, even my way of thinking changes. Maybe everyone does that, or maybe it's just me. Maybe that's why I'm extremely shy at times or maybe it's just simply because I'm insecure or whatever people say is the reasoning behind shyness. In any case, I wonder which person is the "real" me, the one I am when I'm alone or the one I am with everyone else. I suspect that its the first, that would be the most logical answer because when I'm alone, I'm not influenced by anyone else. Also, when I'm with other people, I'm censored in a way. I have to be on guard. I can't say whatever I want. But when I'm alone, no ones there to judge what I say because I don't actually say anything, I just think it. In my head I can be whoever I want, think whatever I want, feel whatever I want. And when they're just thoughts, even if they're "wrong" or "mean" or "bad" or "weird", does it really matter?

Used to be

Earlier today i was looking through some old saved conversations between me and a certain boy i used to really like. They were from last year from October to around February, less than a year ago. As I was reading over these, i was really in awe of how much different i was then, compared to how i am now. It's weird how everything changes and we don't even realize it. I used to think I was "in love" with him, whatever that means, and that he was so perfect and so amazing. Now i look back on that and realize how wrong i was. I mean i'm not saying he's not a great guy, because he is, i'm just saying he's not as amazing as I built him up to be and his interest in me is really clear to me now, whereas back then, i thought he genuinely liked me. The point of this is that its weird how feelings change. I ran into him a few nights ago, I hadn't seen him in a long time and i didn't really think i would ever see him again since he moved er whatever. We started talking and i felt nothing. I was looking at this boy i used to be obsessed with, yet i felt nothing. I was talking to the same person, looking at the same familiar face, hearing the same familiar voice, but my heart didn't race, my fingers didn't tingle and my stomach didn't do the usual flip-flop. It was just like talking to any old person and it was really kind of scary. How can you feel so strongly about someone, then feel nothing at all?

Heaven?

Have you ever thought about what happens after we die? I'm sure the thought has crossed your mind before but have you ever really sat down and thought about it? I don't think about it as much as i used to and maybe thats because it gets tiring because we'll never know the answers until we actually die and who knows how we'll comprehend it. I don't really believe in heaven with the stereotypical fluffy, white clouds and the pearly gates, but i do believe in God for the most part. I think that when you die you go to like the next level of earth... like another earth where we are born again with the same knowledge we attained in our previous life, and we learn more, love better, make mistakes and teach others... and then we die and the process repeats. I think thats a really cool concept, that we keep going up, that one day we'll all be sophisticated and intelligent and able to enjoy every little thing in life. Maybe its too much of a fairytale ending for some people but i like to think that everything we're doing here builds to something, although i tend to contradict myself often after some thought. I don't see how some people can think that everything just ends after we die. If thats true, that we actually do have an end, then whats the point of a beginning? Its weird to think we're all on this never-ending time line of trillions and trillions of years and only a centimeter of this eternal time line is ours. Thats all we stand for, all of our accomplishments, all of our relationships, all of the things we thought were significant and worthwhile mean nothing. It makes me wonder why we're always striving to do better, to be better, to accomplish more things. I mean if, in the end, none of it matters and everything we've worked for has brought us nothing more than a few minuscule trophies and momentary satisfactions, then why does it matter what we've accomplished and what we have to stand for what we were? I just don't want to grow old and realize that all of my hard work has gotten me no where. That all the times i've struggled with grades and went to bed early instead of having fun with friends got me no where, that i gained nothing more than a good GPA for it. And all the times i've tried to be "good" and made "good choices" have got me nothing more than my parents approval and a good reputation. When you really think about it, it seems so pointless. When i'm old i think i'd rather say that i had a lot of fun and laughed a lot rather than i had a good GPA and went to a good college. And maybe you can combine all of it, maybe you can have a lot of fun and still be "good"...but i guess we'll have to wait and find out.